When Your Significant Other Isn't On Board...

When a couple finds out they are having a child several things happen. One is that for the woman she begins thinking about how to preserve the pregnancy and keep herself and the baby as healthy as possible. She will try to see how she can limit the chances of miscarriage, she will improve her diet, maybe change her music choices, or how she speaks about herself and to others. She will see radical changes in her body and get to know the baby inside of her. From the moment she knows she is pregnant she will begin preparing for birth. She will start deciding where she feels safe, who she feels safe with, and what she will need during labor.

This will not be the same for all women, but while I was pregnant I looked at spaces completely differently. I felt better in tight well lit places with only one entrance and an easy escape route. I know crazy, but I put it to the idea that at one time we didn't live in nice little houses and that as a pregnant woman I could not move as quickly or effectively as I once could, so I had to be more careful of my environment. 

In a similar way you significant other will begin also preparing for the birth. They may help you (or try to be helpful) by doing everything for you, fretting over every move you make, being more defensive about you/your honor/who you hang out with/where you go/etc. And in their own way they will begin to prepare for you to give birth.

Now some of you may be lucky enough to agree on where, with whom and how you would like to birth. That was the case between me and my husband, and if you are in that situation then congratulations! 

However, many will find that they and their significant other disagree on one or maybe all three points. If that is the case for you then I encourage you to read this blog post at BWF. While it is specifically aimed towards natural/midwife births it will still give good advice for speaking with your significant other even if you are not wanting that kind of birth.

I have several pieces of advice though too (coming from a lady who has given birth):

1) A woman NEEDS to feel safe during labor. I don't just mean would like to feel safe, I mean NEEDS to feel safe. And where you and her feels safe may be completely different, but its ok, because she needs to feel safe, not you. You can support her anywhere, she however, can only give birth effectively if she feels safe (notice I said feels-where she feels safe may not seem rational, but that doesn't matter. Labor is NOT rational. It is pins and needles, excitement  emotion all running through your body with rushes and contractions and love and fear and hope and joy and energy all wrapped up into one- remember women tend to be more emotional creatures and birth is very primal)

2) You may feel safer in "X" location because of their training, or their safety equipment, or their lack of interventions, or their lack of scary equipment or whatever (depending on whether you are afraid of hospital or out-of-hospital births) but it is her body (and trust me she doesn't want anything bad to happen to that baby any more than you do- she has 40+ weeks invested remember) and she is the one that is going to have to either push that baby out of have major abdominal surgery (a c-section) to get the baby out. So give her, her body and mind some credit in picking out where they would like to birth.

3) Your significant other loves you and that is why they are being difficult whether you believe it right now or not. Try to be sensitive to that.

4) Hear her out. You may think she is crazy. You may  think she is wrong. You may think its her hormones. But no matter what hear her out. Go talk with the healthcare professional she wants to go with. Ask questions. Be open minded. Find out why she would prefer them over options x, y, or z.

5) Rebuild bridges if you have burned them. If you have already had this talk but it went horribly wrong try to start over from a friendly place, a place of mutual love and respect and wanting whats best for you and your baby.

6) Find out why the other is afraid or adamantly refusing the options you are considering. Are they basing all their knowledge on an old TV show? Or did a friend lose a baby because of reason x? Did their Dad tell them something that has freaked them out about child birth? Did they have a bad experience with doctors or hospitals? etc. 

7) Base your decision on what is best for YOU not what is "normal" or what is "popular" or fear of "what ifs" or fear of the other options. Its not black or white, right or wrong. Birthing in a hospital with OBs has its place just as birthing with a midwife at home does and just as birthing unassisted does. But birthing one way over another because you are scared is not a good idea. And forcing someone else (even your darling wife) to birth somewhere just because you are scared of other options is NOT a good idea.

8) If you are worried about your wife's body not being capable then stop. Stop right there. She knows you are thinking it and you are wrong. (And if your not thinking it then tell her! Tell her everyday you know she is strong and capable and able to give birth the way she wants!) Her body was MADE to do it (even if she has had 100 c-sections). Believe in her. Give her a chance. Give her support. How would you like it if you thought your body was broken? Or if you thought your spouse thought your body was broken?

Supporting her in her decisions will show her that you will support her no matter what. However, not supporting her will confirm every fear she has ever had about leaving her and thinking she isn't good enough. With all the options out there find what works for you and your family! Don't be short changed by fear or a lack of options or what others may think. Find people that will support you in the decisions you make!